


A Penny For My Thoughts

by NoirAngel011



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Drowning, F/M, Noose, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 14:29:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19297639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoirAngel011/pseuds/NoirAngel011
Summary: Not everyone can be happy...A choose your own adventure story. Rules and trigger warning inside.





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Last chance to turn back. This story features heavy depressing themes and teenage suicide.

Prologue

You are a girl who just wants a purpose.

 

Rules:

Do not skip to chapter without being told.

Choose wisely.

Your decisions will decide the fate of yourself.

 

**WARNING!**

**This story deals with topics such as Depression, Suicide, and Self Harm!**

**Read at your own risk.**


	2. 1

You sit by the river, starting out into the meadow ahead of you.  
A duck swims by, five little ducklings following their mother.  
They look happy.  
You wish you could be like them...  
You think about the burden you are to others, about the mask you've been wearing your entire life.  
You want to do something, to be something other than a selfish brat with no purpose.  
You think about your best friend.  
You’re pretty sure he hates you.  
He always turns his back, always runs away.  
You’re just a stupid selfish brat.  
You stupid brat with no purpose.  
Stupid.  
Stupid.  
Stupid.  
Brat.  
You drag your hand across the dewy grass.  
It feels so cold and leaves your hand wet.  
Your mind wanders to school.  
You remember trying to convince your best friend to join a club.  
You think about how stupid it is to want someone else to join, when you aren’t even in a club yourself.  
Maybe you should join a club.  
‘Anon is never going to do it if I don’t do it too.’ you think, once again staring out at the empty meadow.  
There is nobody around, just like your life.  
Everyone in it is just pretending to like you, pretending to be your friend.  
You think about the billboard you saw just the day before.  
“Your Life Is Worth It.  
Don’t Give Into Suicide.  
If You Are Struggling, Get Help.  
Call A Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.”  
‘Yeah right.’ You had thought.  
These days the urge to make a noose for yourself got stronger and stronger.  
You just wanted to end it all.  
But you had to put on the mask, act happy and act like there were no problems in the world.  
It was torture…

Go to chapter two.


	3. 2

You continued to stare.

The world was silent.

Just like what everyone wished you were.

Silent.

Nothing.

A bird flew over your head.

It made a noise, barley went noticed.

Then you heard a voice.

Two voices, actually.

You looked back over your shoulder.

In the distance you could make out two people.

A girl and a boy.

Your mind wanders back to Anon as you turn back to the river.

You wish you and him could be like that boy and girl behind you.

He had been your best friend for years.

You had just been little kids when he moved in next door.

You and him had clicked.

There had always been something there.

A spark.

But as the years went on, the spark had faded as you slept in more and more, not wanting to let yourself get up in the morning.

You always wish you had never woken up.

He had just stopped waiting for you to walk to school.

You stare back at the river.

You think about jumping in.

To jump into a fast rushing river would be a dream for you.

A good dream.

Just to imagine yourself flowing away with the water.

You imagine not struggling.

You imagine letting yourself you float and slowly drown in the freezing water.

The two voices get closer behind you.

They sound familiar.

You peak out from behind the tree you are hidden by.

Anon.

And Monika.

The perfect girl of the school.

With nerdy Anon.

_ WTF… _

 

To call out to them from you hiding place, turn forward to Chapter Six.

To stay hidden where you are, turn forward to Chapter Four.


	4. 3

“I would love to join your literature club!” You exclaim, faking your excitement.

Monika smiles.

“Yay! Now we would have enough member to be an officially club!” Monika seems genuinely excited.

You wonder how much she really likes literature, or if she is pretending, just like you.

It seems like it would be the former.

“Would you like to join, Anon?” Monka turns to Anon.

He is staring at the rushing river.

You wonder if he has the same thoughts about jumping in as you.

You decide against it.

“I don't think so. I wasn’t looking to be in a club this year.” 

He always says the same thing to get out of it nicely.

He never even tries.

Your fake smile falls.

A fake reaction for a fake girl.

Stupid. 

Stupid.

Selfish.

Fake.

Bratty.

Girl.

“We should get going, come to room 204 in section one tomorrow after classes let out. I can’t wait to see you!” Monika smiles once more.

Your fake smile returns

“Can’t wait.” you let out a fake giggle as Monika grabs Anon’s arm and pulls him away back down the path.

 

Go to Chapter Seven.


	5. 4

Monika and Anon pass you, still carrying on their happy conversation.

You wish you could be like that.

Be happy.

You turn your attention back to the river.

It looks so cold.

It’s rushing so fast.

You look back up after a few moments of staring and see Anon and Monika disappearing over the huge hill.

You wait until you can’t see them before you edge yourself closer to the river.

You stare down the bank over the river.

You rise to your feet.

You can’t see the bottom of the river.

With no second to change your mind, you take a step.

Within a quick second, you land in the river.

It’s cold.

The water moves so fast.

Faster than you thought it would.

It’s nice.

It takes you with it until it starts to becomes higher and higher.

You don’t struggle.

You don’t scream.

You just let the river move.

The water keeps rising.

The cold, icy water covers your mouth.

Then your nose.

Then the rest of your head.

You then disappear under the river.

Your body is found three days later when your wash up in the back down the river.

You smile.

_ You are finally happy... _

 

**END**


	6. 5

“I don’t think i’m interested in a club this year, sorry.” you say.

Monika's expectant face falls.

You think about her falling into that river.

Why do you hate her?

“Oh… Okay.” Monika looks at her feet.

“Well, we’re going to go..” Anon says, taking Monika’s hand into his.

“Okay… bye.” You say, glancing back at the river.

You wave slightly and watch them go.

You walk back down to the river.

You sit in the tall grass behind the tree.

You watch the river rush by.

Monika and Anon are getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Selfish.

Brat.

_ That’s all you are… _

 

Go to Chapter Four.


	7. 6

You stand up and wave.

“Hey!” you call out, racing toward the old dirt path.

You can see the flash of disgust on Anon’s face upon seeing you.

You instantly feel bad.

You must have ruined this for Anon.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Selfish.

Brat.

You can’t do anything right.

Anon sucks it up and smiles.

“Hey, Sayori.” he says, not a hint of actually happiness in his voice.

“Hi.” Monika smiles.

She looks a little happier to see you.

It’s probably because she doesn’t know you.

“Hey, Monika. You probably don’t know me. We had calculus last year together.” A fake smile is planted on your face.

It’s so obvious.

You stupid brat.

You can’t even act happy.

You’ll just always be dying on the inside.

There is no way to make you happy.

There never will be.

You will never be happy.

You’re just a stupid, selfish, brat with no meaning to this world.

“Hey, Sayori. Do you happen to want to join my new club at school?” Monika askes, cocking her head to the side adorably.

“What type of club is it?” you ask.

You know you won’t be able to get into any other club, you’re too stupid.

This may be your only chance to make Anon happy.

You know that him being in  club will benefit him.

That way you won't be dragging him down any more.

Her needs other friends, if you even are his friend.

“A literature club” Monika smiles sweetly.

You envy her for being able to be happy so easily.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Brat.

You mentally kick yourself.

You can’t be like that.

But it’s so hard when anything else makes you think about finding a knife and ending it all.

_ Anything like that would be easier than this… _

 

To Tell Monika you want to join, turn to Chapter Three.

To Tell Monika you’d rather not join, turn to Chapter Five.


	8. 7

You lay in your bed.

You wish you hadn’t woken up.

Your alarm clock continues to beep.

You tune it out.

You sigh.

Maybe today will be a good day.

You get to join a new club.

You might make some new friends.

You sigh once more and throw off your blankets.

You get up and look at the bathroom door.

‘Screw showering’ you think, making your way down to the kitchen.

You pour a blow of bland cereal.

The same thing you've eaten every day since school started.

You don’t taste the cereal as you shove it into your mouth.

Boring and flavorless, just like you.

You slept in your uniform after school yesterday.

You don’t bother to change it.

You get up and pick up your backpack.

You sit by the window.

Anon leaves his house and starts walking to school.

He doesn’t even wait  for you for five minutes.

You wait for him to get out of sight.

Catching up to him will get drag him down.

Mentally and socially.

You sigh again.

You look back out the window.

Anon is gone.

_ Just like everyone else in your life… _

 

To go to school go to Chapter Ten

To stay home go to Chapter Eight.


	9. 8

You set your bag down on the couch.

You walk up the stairs to your bedroom.

You sit down on your bed.

You think about everything.

You’re just a brat.

A stupid.

Stupid.

Selfish.

Brat.

There is silence in your thoughts.

Brat brat brat brat brat.

You than dig under your pillow.

You pull out a knife.

You get up and walk to your bathroom.

You change into a bathing suit.

You lock the door.

You run the bath water.

It’s warm and makes you tingle.

You step in and sit down in the lukewarm water.

You take the knife.

Then you take your wrist.

You run the knife across it in one swift motion.

You end it all.

As the blood leaves your body,

You clear your mind.

You’re just a selfish

Stupid.

Stupid.

Selfish.

Worthless.

 

**END**


	10. 9

“Hey wait up!” you put on your mask and run towards Anon, walking down the street headed to school.

He stops and you can hear him sigh and roll his eyes.

He turns around to face you and puts on a fake smile, mush like your own.

“I guess you don’t have it in you to be mean even if you wanted!” you pout.

He sighs once more.

“So…” you continue.

“Have you decided on a club yet?” you ask hopefully.

He gives you a confused look.

“You promised you would join a club this year! I worry a lot about you Anon! I wouldn’t want you to go off to college and become a NEET!” you lecture him with seriousness in your fake cheerful voice.

He sighs a final time.

“Okay. If it makes you happy i’ll look into joining a club.” Anon finally gives into your antics.

You smile and clap, jumping into the air.

“Yay!” your plan is finally working.

Maybe for once you can make everyone happy.

Maybe.

But you know you are only a disappointment.

And only ever will be.

A mistake.

A failure.

A disappointment.

A disgrace.

Nothing but a sad and pathetic loser.

You skip down the hall to your locker, putting on your fake and happy  pseud.

You smile at everyone as you pass.

They deserve to be happy at least.

…..

_ After Class _

 

The halls are crowded as you make your way to Anon’s last period class.

You stand at the door and peer inside.

Anon is still sitting in his desk staring out into space.

You take a deep breath.

_ You can convince him… _

 

Go inside the classroom go forward to Chapter Eleven

Decide against it and run home go to Chapter Fifteen 


	11. 10

You head out the door and slowly walk alone to school.

Classes drag on.

You don’t pay attention to anything.

Everything is just a blur.

As you pack up your stuff after the final bell rings you put on your mask.

You have to act happy if you’re going to be in this club.

You make your way to the clubroom as Monika had instructed.

You gently knock on the door, waiting for an answer.

“Come in!” you hear Monika call from the other side of the door.

You push open the door and walk in.

There are three girls inside.

Monika is sitting on a desk, writing something in a notebook.

A purple haired girl sits in the back of the room, reading a book.

There is another girl in the corner underneath the large classroom window, she appears to be reading something as well.

You sit down in a desk and pull out your favorite notebook.

For the past year, it has been what keeps you from finding a knife and stabbing yourself.

Sometimes it’s just nice to pour out your feeling to an object.

After a few minutes Monika hopps off the desk.

You and the other two girls look up.

“Natsuki, Yuri, Come over here.” Monika bekins the other two girls to the front of the room.

“This is Sayori!” Monika beams.

She must be really happy.

It looks so genuine.

It makes you angry.

The pink haired girl scowls at you.

The other one gently smiles.

“This is Natsuki.” Monika gesture to the scowling girl, “- and this is Yuri”  she looks at the older girl to her right.

You put on fake smile.

After a while longer you get an idea.

“I think might be able to bring in a new member tomorrow.” You smile looking it Monika in the desk next to you.

“That would be great!” Monika seems even happier than before.

You know you can convince him.

You know it.

Monika smiles huge.

“Who is it?” she asks.

“A secret..” you smile miraculously.

“Great.” Monika smiles even more.

Than Monika end the club meeting and all the girls begin to pack up and head home.

You pack up your things and head out the door.

You can convince him,

_ You know it… _

 

Go back to chapter nine.


	12. 11

“Hey Anon!” You smile and wave as you enter the classroom.

His head snaps up to look at you.

“Oh. Hey Sayori.” He says. He almost seems mad at you.

You sigh to yourself.

“Uh- You said that you would join a club. Did you want to come to see my club?” You ask. You hope and hope and hope.

“Well- I was actually going to go to the anime club.” He said, your face fell.

“Natsuki baked cupcakes for the club. You never pass up food!” You try to convince him.

He sighs. He seems fed up with your antics.

“Fine. I’ll come for the day.” You smile and bounce on your toes.

He stands up from his seat.

You start running out of the classroom. He follows you to the clubroom.

“Hey Sayori!” Monika smiles as they enter the clubroom.

“Hi.” You smile back.

“This is Anon. He’s joining us for the day.” You say as he follows you into the room.

“Nice to meet you Anon.” Yuri says walking up.

Another girl comes rushing up. “Oh, you had to bring a boy.” 

She seems mad at you. You take a step back.

You feel bad for bringing him to the club.

Monik and Yuri smile though. Natsuki crosses her arms.

You enjoy the club meeting. 

Everyone is having a good time.

You know that they would all be better without you.

You are just a burden.

But you put on your mask and smile through it, for the others sake.

When the club dismisses you grab your things and start to head home.

 

To ask Anon to walk home with you go to Chapter Thirteen.

To walk home alone go back to Chapter Eight


	13. 12

“Wait, Anon!” You call out as your turn around.

He stops in front of his door and turns around. 

Your un across the street to meet up with him.

You start to cry.

“Sayori! What’s wrong?!” He asked, catching you as you fall to the sidewalk. He sits there and holds you.

Wait…

Was that concern in his voice?

Maybe he does care.

“Anon, it makes me...really happy… That you've made such good friends. That's all that matters to me--! Why am I feeling this way? I'm supposed to be happy for you. Why does it feel like my heart is splitting in half!? It hurts so much… everything hurts so much… this would be much better if I could just disappear!” You start to cry even harder. 

Anon was so happy at the club meeting. He made such good friends with all the girls.

You know that you’re just a waste of space.

“Sayori! Don’t say that!” He hugs you tighter.

“it's true! If I wasn't here, then you wouldn't have to waste your sympathy on me! You wouldn't have to put up with me being selfish! Monika was right… I should just…” You trail off you sentence, trying to dry your eyes.

As you tell him about your depression, he looks more and more concerned by the second.

“Monika...? Monika was right about what? Sayori… I'm not going to let this continue. Caring about you like this isn't the burden your mind is making it out to be. It's something that makes me happy. It's something I wouldn't trade for anything else. So, even if it takes an entire lifetime… I'm going to be by your side until you don't feel anymore pain.” Anon hugs you tighter. You start to push him away. You both stand up.

“Really?” You ask, starting to feel happy again.

“Really.” He confirms.

You smile even wider and run back across the street and into your house.

You start to think about what just happened.

It kind of felt like he was faking it.

He doesn’t care about you.

Nobody does.

You want to die. 

You run up the stairs to you bedroom.

You slam the door shut behind you.

 

Go to Chapter Fifteen


	14. 13

“Hey Anon.” You walk up to him quietly. 

You know he hates when you talk loud.

“Yeah Sayori,” He says, turning to talk to you.

“Did you want to walk home together today?” You smile, just hoping that you won’t have to walk home alone.

“Uhh sure, why not.” He says. 

You bounce once on your feet as a bolt of happiness goes through you.

“Yay!” You say more to yourself than him.

You both wave goodbye to the girls and leave the clubroom, starting the walk home.

Birds chip as you walk along.

Leaves crunch under your feet.

‘Maybe this is a good time to tell him’ you think.

You push down the thoughts. 

He wouldn’t care.

Nobody cares about you.

You know that.

“Why did you join a literature club?” Anon asks, startling you from your thoughts.

“The girls are nice. I like it there.” You say.

The real reason is to complicated to explain to him. 

He nods and you continue walking with him.

You two reach your street and your mind starts racing.

Yous should tell him.

You should just go write your poem.

He needs to know.

Just go inside.

What would he think if you died?   
He wouldn’t care.

Nobody does.

But maybe he will…

You reach for the doorknob on your front door.

 

To turn around and confess to Anon go back to Chapter Twelve

To go write your poem go to Chapter Fourteen.


	15. 14

You open the door and walk inside your house,

You dash up the stairs and to your bedroom, not wanting to think about the walk.

Yous htt he door and walk over to your desk. 

You take a seat at your chair.

You grab a notebook and rip and piece of paper from it. 

You pink up your favorite sparkly pink pen and begin to write.

###  **_Bottles_ **

I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar.

It's the secret place where I keep all my dreams.

Little balls of sunshine, all rubbing together like a bundle of kittens

I reach inside with my thumb and forefinger and pluck one out.

It's warm and tingly.

But there's no time to waste! I put it in a bottle to keep it safe.

And I put the bottle on the shelf with all of the other bottles.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row.

My collection makes me lots of friends.

Each bottle a starlight to make amends.

Sometimes my friend feels a certain way.

Down comes a bottle to save the day.

Night after night, more dreams.

Friend after friend, more bottles.

Deeper and deeper my fingers go.

Like exploring a dark cave, discovering the secrets hiding in the nooks and crannies.

Digging and digging.

Scraping and scraping.

I blow dust off my bottle caps.

It doesn't feel like time elapsed.

My empty shelf could use some more.

My friends look through my locked front door.

Finally, all done. I open up, and in come my friends.

In they come, in such a hurry. Do they want my bottles that much?

I frantically pull them from the shelf, one after the other.

Holding them out to each and every friend.

Each and every bottle.

But every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.

They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren't smiling.

They're all shouting, pleading. Something.

But all I hear is echo, echo, echo, echo, echo

Inside my head.

 

Yous set down your pen and paper and stand up from your chair.

 

Go to Chapter Fifteen


	16. 15

You walk over to your closet and change into pajamas.

You open your bedroom door and walk downstairs, to the kitchen.

You grab a chair and begin to drag it back up to your room.

You shut the door behind you and move the chair to the center of your bedroom.

You cross the room over to your bedside table.

You open the draw and the knotted brown rope stares back at you. 

You grab it and sit down on your bed.

You begin to weave it into the shape you have known for years.

This is the only way out.

The only way to be happy.

Nobody cares about you.

You are a burden.

You put a tamper on everyone else’s lives.

Everyone hates you.

You stand up and go over to the hair. There is a hook hanging from the ceiling. 

You put it up four days earlier.

But now that feels like a lifetime ago.

You place the rope on the hook and let the noose hang down.

You slide you head through the loop.

The only escape.

The only way to be happy.

You sat on the chair and close your eyes.

Stupid.

Selfish.

Annoying.

Arrogant.

Brat.

Loner.

Boring.

You jump ad the rope tightens. 

You feel it suffocating you.

The world is slowly going black.

At last you are finally happy.

**END**


End file.
